Select the search type
  • Site
  • Web
Search

The natural world. Looking pretty for 3.5b years.

Let's Celebrate People Day

Let's Celebrate People Day

Author: Reilly Capps/Thursday, April 24, 2014/Categories: Archive Pick of the Week

We finally got through Earth Day. Whew. I'm glad that's over. Now we can finally celebrate People Day, which is every other day of the year.

What should we do? How should we celebrate?

Let's do whatever makes us happy.

Let's start by going out into our backyard to micturate upon the lawn. Then let's pop a squat and show the Earth what we really think of it.

Then let's come inside and close the blinds so that there's not a leaf or tree in sight. Turn on all the lights and fans. Run your space heaters and your air-conditioning at the same time. Make your fridge face your stove and turn both up full blast. See what wins: fire or ice. 

Then let's head outside in an SUV and run over every squirrel insight. Get drive-through. Find a gun store. Buy a shotgun. Navigate to the nearest ocean. Drop the drive-through trash off the longest pier. Spot a dolphin. Sight the dolphin. No more dolphin. Only a couple million left to go. 

Fill milk jugs with petrol and spread it on your local national park. Then, inhale deeply from a fine Dominican cigar, and, like a Bond villain, say, "Slow growth forests burn the fastest." Then flick the butt over your shoulder as you walk slowly away. Have a friend YouTube it. Watch the re-tweets. 

Buy battery acid and GPS a river. Dump E. coli in a lake. Pour lead into a reservoir. Put yellow cake in cake. 

Enjoy your dinner of the last remaining amur leopard with a side of Lord God bird. 

Then sit back and see how good you feel, knowing that nothing is connected, that the Earth is on its own, that people will be fine with or without this stupid blue sphere, which never held a job or tweeted anything. 

Today is People Day. Suck it, Earth.

Print

Number of views (6279)/Comments (0)

Please login or register to post comments.

Name:
Email:
Subject:
Message:
x
Ecologist, Tim Flannery Thursday, August 8, 20190

Ecologist, Tim Flannery

An Australian's 'call to action' on climate change.

Repurposing Abandoned Golf Courses? Wednesday, August 7, 20190

Repurposing Abandoned Golf Courses?

Japan has an answer.

Talking Trees Tuesday, August 6, 20190

Talking Trees

Plants use sophisticated ways to communicate.

I will be a hummingbird Monday, August 5, 20190

I will be a hummingbird

The presence of Wangari Maathai.

Sulawesi Sunrise Sunday, August 4, 20190

Sulawesi Sunrise

A beautiful island seen from space.

Masters of Deception Friday, August 2, 20190

Masters of Deception

Creative octopus show their capabilities.

Meltdown Thursday, August 1, 20190

Meltdown

Ice melting in Greenland accelerates.

Chasing Ghosts Wednesday, July 31, 20190

Chasing Ghosts

Solving a botanical enigma.
Montana Summer Break Monday, July 29, 20190

Montana Summer Break

Visiting the Big Sky

12 Steps to Climate Sobriety Saturday, July 27, 20190

12 Steps to Climate Sobriety

A "12 Step" program to de-carbonize.

Europe Swelters Again Thursday, July 25, 20190

Europe Swelters Again

The "new normal" has arrived.

Rare Bird Re-discovered Wednesday, July 24, 20190

Rare Bird Re-discovered

A rare cloud forest bird found again.

Frankincense Tuesday, July 23, 20190

Frankincense

An ancient tree is dying.

Greenland on Fire....Again! Monday, July 22, 20190

Greenland on Fire....Again!

Fires above the Arctic Circle, again.

An Inspirational Journey Sunday, July 21, 20190

An Inspirational Journey

Jane Goodall on being mindful.

Apollo 11 by Moonlight Saturday, July 20, 20190

Apollo 11 by Moonlight

'One small step' 50 years ago and also a giant leap!

Falling Water Friday, July 19, 20190

Falling Water

Animating a waterfall.

Carl Safina: What are animals thinking? Thursday, July 18, 20190

Carl Safina: What are animals thinking?

A new perspective on animal intelligence.