We finally got through Earth Day. Whew. I'm glad that's over. Now we can finally celebrate People Day, which is every other day of the year.
What should we do? How should we celebrate?
Let's do whatever makes us happy.
Let's start by going out into our backyard to micturate upon the lawn. Then let's pop a squat and show the Earth what we really think of it.
Then let's come inside and close the blinds so that there's not a leaf or tree in sight. Turn on all the lights and fans. Run your space heaters and your air-conditioning at the same time. Make your fridge face your stove and turn both up full blast. See what wins: fire or ice.
Then let's head outside in an SUV and run over every squirrel insight. Get drive-through. Find a gun store. Buy a shotgun. Navigate to the nearest ocean. Drop the drive-through trash off the longest pier. Spot a dolphin. Sight the dolphin. No more dolphin. Only a couple million left to go.
Fill milk jugs with petrol and spread it on your local national park. Then, inhale deeply from a fine Dominican cigar, and, like a Bond villain, say, "Slow growth forests burn the fastest." Then flick the butt over your shoulder as you walk slowly away. Have a friend YouTube it. Watch the re-tweets.
Buy battery acid and GPS a river. Dump E. coli in a lake. Pour lead into a reservoir. Put yellow cake in cake.
Enjoy your dinner of the last remaining amur leopard with a side of Lord God bird.
Then sit back and see how good you feel, knowing that nothing is connected, that the Earth is on its own, that people will be fine with or without this stupid blue sphere, which never held a job or tweeted anything.
Today is People Day. Suck it, Earth.