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The natural world. Looking pretty for 3.5b years.

My First Week on Plastic Island

My First Week on Plastic Island

Author: Lucas Gardner/Saturday, September 21, 2013/Categories: environment, humor

It's been exactly a week since I moved to Plastic Island (more formerly known as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch). Only very small areas of the garbage patch are dense enough to actually live on so space is limited, but I've been making do. I think my favorite part of living on Plastic Island is that there's no rent and there are plenty of resources. I'd say the worst part is probably all of the garbage.


Plastic Island is located in the northern Pacific, right in the slimy heart of the Pacific Subtropical Gyre, a spiral of currents where millions of pounds of trash have accumulated. There are actually two massive bodies of trash in the Gyre - the Western and Eastern Pacific Garbage Patches (the beef between the hip-hop scenes on the West and East coast garbage islands has become violent. A lot of people have died.)

One cool thing about being one of the few people who lives on the garbage island is that when I do pretty much anything, I'm the first person here to do it. I was the first person on the garbage island to run a 5k. I was the first person on the garbage island to release a Reggaeton album and I have basically established the entire Reggaeton scene. I was the first person on the garbage island to be arrested for wire fraud.


People have a lot of questions. “Can you raise a family here?” My personal answer is no, because there's no education system and I am impossible to love, but overall it's not a bad place to live. It's a give-and-take here. On the one hand, there's a real strong sense of community, everyone watches each other's back, and we have a great night life here (even though most of our clubs are very poorly reviewed on Yelp). On the other hand - the garbage.


There's not much crime to worry about. Littering is a big issue on Plastic Island and I really started a bad trend with the wire fraud thing, but on the whole it's pretty safe. The average life expectancy on the trash island is three-weeks-after-however-old-you-were-when-you-moved-here, so I guess I'm looking at the end here, but I'm enjoying myself.


Some people actually think I should be ashamed for living on a gigantic garbage mass, but I'm proud of myself for “makin' it” here. The way I see it is, I could live for next-to-nothing on a safe and peaceful, unpretentious floating trash pile, or I could still be back home in the “civilized” world, living in that regular trash pile that I used to live on. Where people are snobby and judge me for living in trash. Where I'm not even an established Reggaeton artist.


I like it just fine here, and I plan to live out the rest of my two weeks of life happily.


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