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The natural world. Looking pretty for 3.5b years.

Christian Senators announce plan for climate change: "We're Asking God"

Christian Senators announce plan for climate change: "We're Asking God"

Author: Reilly Capps/Saturday, March 7, 2015/Categories: humor

By Reilly Capps 


WASHINGTON -- Democratic and Republican leaders on the Senate committee for the Environment and Public Works announced today that they've formulated a comprehensive plan to deal with climate change. "We're asking God," said Sen. James Inhofe (R-Okla).


Biblical solutions to climate change are plentiful, Inhofe said. The Old and New Testaments are full of ideas on how a just and caring God could save us from temperatures creeping up. There are many options, Senator Inhofe said, from refreshing, cooling worldwide floods to the closing of the firmament that is letting too much light in.


"In the box thinking has gotten us nowhere," Inhofe said. He said he was finally persuaded of the reality of climate change when the snowball he brought into the Senate chamber spontaneously melted. "It's time we started thinking 'in the book.'"

"I take my religion seriously," Inhofe wrote in his book The Greatest Hoax. He went on to write the following sentence, which we are not making up: "[T]his is what a lot of alarmists forget: God is still up there, and He promised to maintain the seasons and that cold and heat would never cease as long as the earth remains." 

As evidence mounts for global warming, Inhofe agreed that it might be time for God to take decisive action. A "Prayer Committee" is being formed to ask Jehovah to perform today some of the world-cooling miracles from olden days. 


Preliminary ideas include:


* Asking God to stop the sun, as Joshua is said to have successfully done. "Only we're not going to stop it over America," Inhofe said, grinning impishly.  "I'm not saying where exactly, but I will say that I hope Kim Jong Un owns sunglasses!" Democrats raised no objections but warned that it might be dangerous to use Joshua's other famous trick -- making time go backward -- since we might overshoot and travel all the way back to the Ice Age, which would be too cold. 


* Having God close the gates of the Firmament. The firmament is a dome the Bible says covers the Earth, and the doors of which God opens and closes. Democrats objected that this too was dangerous. "Sure, it would work if the doors of the firmament are opaque," said a Democrat who spoke off the record because he had not been authorized to speak on the subject. "But if they're clear glass, we risk exacerbating the greenhouse effect." 


* Asking God to, periodically, introduce "three hours of darkness" during especially hot days. He is said to have done this during the crucifixion of Jesus. Estimates vary, but Francis Collins, director of the National Institutes of Health, said that three hours of darkness during the middle of August could drop local temperatures in Los Angeles by as much as ten degrees. Democrats objected, saying that this was too much to ask of God. "What, he 's supposed to crucify his own son every August just so you don't have to buy an electric car?" said the Democratic aide. "Wouldn't a tax kickback scheme for carbon be a little bit easier?"
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