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The natural world. Looking pretty for 3.5b years.

Mixed Reaction to Facebook Drones in the Developing World

Mixed Reaction to Facebook Drones in the Developing World

Author: Reilly Capps/Tuesday, December 9, 2014/Categories: humor

[A luxury SUV in West Wazatastan. Photo by Hugh Bollinger.]

News item: Facebook intends to launch giant Internet drones in 2015 that will hover over developing nations and provide free Internet access. The drones were discussed in regular media and social media . But, little-known, they were also discussed at a meeting of the tribe of distinguished elders in the remote town of Botaboutabad in West Wazatistan. A transcript follows: 


HACKMED, THE MAYOR: Allright, allright, settle down, allahu akbar, death to America, all that, sit down. Friends, we must improve our town. Let us use our resources to the best of our ability.  What are our resources? 
(Silence.)
GOSHTEN, A SHEPHERD: Dirt? 
HACKMED: Right! We are the Saudi Arabia of dirt. Who needs dirt? 
GOSHTEN: Um ... people who are too clean? 
HACKMED: Right! So we can sell dirt to clean people. Anything else? 
(Awkward silence for some minutes.)
GOSHTEN: We could blow ourselves up. 
HACKMED: Good, good, that's thinking outside the box! Now, why are we blowing ourselves up? 
GOSTHEN: Because -- for the virgins? 
HACKMED: Right! I know I can't wait for my time in heaven with inexperienced, awkward, emotionally terrified terrified. What a paradise. 
(Room stops when they hear the sound of buzzing overhead.) 
GOSHTEN: Drones! American drones! 
HACKMED: Drones carry missiles! They're deadly! They have already killed four of my domestic animals, two of my wives and one sheep who was both of those things! Quick! Someone protect our dirt! Goshten! Go lie on top of as much dirt as you can! 
GOSHTEN: I'll get killed! 
HACKMED: Don't worry! Remember the virgins! 
GOSHTEN: Truthfully, I like a girl who knows some moves. (Quietly) Like your mom. 
HACKMED: What!? I'll behead you so fast ... 
NEEMOIL, THE TOWN TEACHER: Friends! Wait! Those are a different kind of American drones! Them's Facebook's drones. They're something you will "like." 
GOSHTEN:  Neemoil! The sun has overcooked your brain as surely is my third wife overcooks whatever stereotypical dish stereotypical Wazastanis stereotypically eat. 
NEEMOIL: Not this time! (Taking out his laptop.) These drones bring Internet. See! You know what Internet is? 
GOSHTEN: No! But if it is from the Americans, we will kill this Internet. 
HACKMED: Yes, Goshten! Gather rocks to throw at the Internet! 
NEEMOIL: Well, yes. But ... you can't ... the Internet is ... there is a box with a magic screen that lights up. The Internet comes on this screen. The Internet is information. 
HACKMED: What do we need information for? We already know everything! Dirt, bombs, virgins -- what else is there to know? 
NEEMOIL: For instance, if you do not understand the lyrics to a particular rap song, the Internet will tell you. If you do not know what Kirk Cameron is up to, the Internet will tell you what Kirk Cameron is up to. 
GILGAMOST, A WORLDLY TRAVELER: Kirk Cameron! I saw him try to argue against evolution based on the shape of a banana. Even I knew it was ridiculous, and I sleep in a cave. 
NEEMOIL: But the Internet has positive things! It is where you can lose belly fat by just doing this one weird trick. It's where five myths about margarine are debunked. The Internet is the place where, the more awkward and socially inept you are, the better you will do. 
GOSHTEN: I am moving to this Internet. 
GILGAMOST (angrily): No! Internet is bad!  Internet is a waste! Internet is a screen capable of showing anything and everything that ever was, and yet a quarter of the Internet is just people watching other people play video games. One half is pictures of cats sitting in boxes. Another quarter is 16-year-old girls talking about their makeup. There is an opportunity for immersive dialog, yet it's mostly people calling other people gay. 
HACKMED: So what? Gays are bad; they do not have four wives like a normal person.