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Do pigs really orgasm for 30 minutes? Riled Up Journal bought me a pig and told me to find out and I don't want to talk about it

Do pigs really orgasm for 30 minutes? Riled Up Journal bought me a pig and told me to find out and I don't want to talk about it

Author: Lucas Gardner/Wednesday, February 11, 2015/Categories: humor

Scientists have observed some pretty bizarre animal mating rituals, and you could waste days reading about crazy animal sex facts. One of the most-often-noted facts is that pigs, or so some scientists say, orgasm for a whopping 30 minutes! But is that a well-calculated average, or just an exaggeration? Riled Up Journal took me to a pig farm, bought me a pig and told me to find out.


And I really, really don't want to talk about it. I have a lot of regret about accepting this assignment and I feel like we should forget about this one. Does it really matter how long a pig's orgasm lasts? It's not like that would even be the craziest science fact. There's way crazier facts out there. Did you know octopuses have three hearts? That's pretty wild. Contemplate that, while I take a shower.


Fine. I suppose I have a responsibility as a journalist to report and to report well. After receiving the test pig, a small American Yorkshire named Miles, I ran a series of test experiments in which... You know what? It doesn't matter. Forget it, forget it. This experiment would have been easier if they bought me two pigs. But we could only afford the one pig and... Nevermind. Let's just say the test experiment was inconclusive.


OKAY, it was conclusive. I got some really, really solid information. But I need space right now. I am not ready to discuss the experiment at this time. Everyone is safe--Miles and I are both fine, but... Honestly, I think Miles wouldn't want me to go public with this either. Let's just write this one off as a failure and move on to discussing other cool science stuff.


Did you know Jonas Salk refused to patent his polio vaccine, famously and rhetorically asking, “Would you patent the sun?” Pretty crazy, huh? Let's talk about that for a while. Jonas Salk began developing his polio vaccine in the early 50's, and- Okay, I can tell you guys are still hung up on the pig thing and I actually feel bad for you that you don't have your own things going on to worry about. Like really, let this one go. Buy your own pig and figure it out yourself if it's that important to you.


FINE, fine. Yes, 30-minutes is a pretty rock solid average. Do not ask me for more details. What happened in the lab is between Miles and I and was done in the name of science. The 30-minute pig orgasm is confirmed and there is no reason to explore it any further. Did you know the first heart transplant was performed 1967? Pretty cool. This is my two weeks notice.


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