The natural world. Looking pretty for 3.5b years.

God Explains Why He Created Climate Change Skeptics

Author: Reilly Capps/Friday, January 23, 2015/Categories: humor

["BholeSankar" by Lavitush - Own work. Licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0 via Wikimedia Commons]

As Pope Francis polishes his climate change encyclical -- the Catholic version of a fatwa -- Catholic climate change deniers are furious.

To me, it's batshit that religious types should be so cavalier about the fate of our planet..

The soul -- mortal or not -- lives in the flesh. Crush a body with a falling piano, and the soul -- fictional or not -- deserts this Earth. Climate change could literally kill all the humans. Or enough that it would be hard to have a solid outdoor music festival. Thus: no planet --> no bodies --> no souls.

No planet no bodies no souls would suck, even for religious people, who are told not to care about this Earth. In the Abrahamic religions, the soul uses its time here to earn heaven or hell; in the eastern religions, the soul uses its time here to earn a spot in another being, or earn Nirvana. Without this Earthly step in the process, the stories of the souls in these faiths aren't stories anymore. They lack a middle. They lack a climax.

I used my special phone to get God on the line.

Me: God, these religious people that don't care about this Earth, are these people crazy?

God: Crazy? Shit yeah. They're loonier than a woodpecker at an iron tree.

Me: Why'd you make them so nuts?

God: I been around for trillions of years, and boredom set in about 14.8 billion years ago. You ever watch reality shows? I'm just casting the crazies in the lead roles. I like the fights.

Me: If we kill ourselves with climate change, though, and our souls have nowhere to go, what will you watch?

God: One of the other billions of planets with life on it. It's like DirecTV's biggest channel package, this universe.

Me: What about all the human souls? If there are no more human bodies for souls to be born into, what then? Where will souls live?

God: [static] ... never said that ... [buzzing] ... your idea of ... [ten seconds of silence] ... sloppy blowjobs ... [more silence] ... Princess Kate.

Me: Hello? God. We have a bad connection.

God: Tell me about it. You guys never have listened to me very well. Hey, sugar, gotta let you go, got a mass orgy with some angels in fifteen. They're bringing a thousand nipple clamps.

Me: You have a thousand nipples?

God: And a million balls. I'll show you sometime.

Me: No, that's alright, thanks.

God: It's heaven. Literally. Me and you and my balls, for eternity. So you got THAT to look forward to. Which is nice.

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