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The natural world. Looking pretty for 3.5b years.

Santa's Crisis of Confidence

Author: Reilly Capps/Tuesday, December 23, 2014/Categories: humor

NORAD - Canada - Santa Radar Tracking
[Photo by Cpl Pierre Theriault, Canadian Forces, via Wikimedia Commons.]

NORAD
tracks Santa as he flies through the skies, and they've noticed that it's been tough in recent years for Santa. He used to be able to leisurely float through the skies, bopping down chimneys and scooping up milk and cookies. 

But those idyllic days are over. 

There appear to be more threats this year than ever, and Santa has to be careful. Delivering mosquito-net presents to west Africa, he vests himself in an ebola-resistant hazmat suit. Bringing baby bonsai trees to Japan, he risks Fukushima exposure. And flying over nearby Iceland, he's constantly dodging the exploding volcanoes. 

It gets worse. Ukrainian rebels last year launched a SAM at him, then swore they didn't. The North Koreans hacked into his list of naughty and nice, which he now keeps online in a Google Doc. And ISIS, calling him an infidel, shot shoulder fired missiles at his sleigh. In weaving to dodge it, an elf named Snookums tumbled out. ISIS tried to behead Snookums, but you can't behead elves, it turns out. Under torture, Snookums converted. His new nom de guerre is Abu-Snookums al-Baghgadi, and he regularly releases anti-western propaganda calling us monsters and devils, which are terrifying and adorable both. 

In response to these threats and more, Santa has added strafes, cloaking technology, and cyber-security. His reindeer have been trained in the art of torture-resistance. When he flies over rebel-held areas, he drops fruitcakes and coal on Jihadis and terrorists. No one has ever survived a fruitcake attack. 


F-4B VF-111 CVA-43 Santa launch 1971
[A militarized Santa. via Wikimedia Commons.]

His closest confidants say that Santa lately has been undergoing a bit of a crisis of confidence. What is the point of trying to do good in a world where so many people seem bent on doing bad? His naughty list is so long, now, his nice list so short. He's starting to wonder if maybe the benevolent God he believes in isn't really there. He asked Mrs. Claus those big questions, and she secretly admitted she thinks He's just something made up by humans to make the world more magical and life more bearable. Which, as you might imagine, was a shock. Santa's whole existence is built around the Christian God. And if God doesn't exist, Santa wondered, what if other supernatural creatures don't exist? What if unicorns aren't real? Woodland sprites? Angels? Santa lies at bed at night worrying. He pinches his own thigh; "yes," he thinks, "at least I am here." 

Bomnisse
[Santa, literally on the edge. Photo By Bjørn som tegner, via Wikimedia Commons]
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