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The natural world. Looking pretty for 3.5b years.

How to Convince Your Grandkids You're Not a Smelly A-Hole

Author: Reilly Capps/Wednesday, November 20, 2013/Categories: climate change

Dear SUV owner:

You are starting to realize that you're on the wrong side of history, that posterity will see you as part of the problem; we here at RPG Public Relations are here to triage your image. 

[Overkill will kill your reputation in hindsight.]

Everyone knows for a fact that you never use your four-wheel drive, you never use your high clearance, you're just burning up fuel so you can feel tall. 

So, to look as though you actually need an SUV, take the following steps.

Stress the "utility" part of SUV. Strap something hardy and manly to the roof, such as building materials, a dead deer or a howitzer. Since there is unlikely to be mud on your SUV's runners, mix up a batch in your backyard and smear it on the fenders. For extra points, streak it on your face. This will go over well when you pick up your kids from school. 

Learn the specs and mention them frequently. If you cannot remember the actual specs, make them up. "You could just drive a normal V8, but if I didn't have these bevo marquets on my orvack pumps I don't know if I could torque it like I do." 

[If you own a car like this, smear mud on it. That will make it more plausible.]

Just one time, drive on a road that a normal car could not. Photograph it from multiple angles. Once every six months, post a new photo of it to Facebook. It might be enough to fool your grandkids into you thinking you are a rugged outdoors person, and not just a giant, smoking, smelly a-hole. 

If you really want to look cool? You could ride a bike. 

But we believe that's going waaaaaay too far.

Yours sincerely, 

Horace W. Whimplebell
Image maker

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