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The natural world. Looking pretty for 3.5b years.

Unheralded Safety Features of the New Tesla Model S

Author: Reilly Capps/Thursday, August 22, 2013/Categories: sustainability

File:Model S driving.jpg
[Photo of the new Tesla Model S. Credit: Tesla Motors.]

By Reilly Capps 

The Tesla Model S achieves the best safety rating of any car ever tested, and the makers attribute this to its engineering. The reasons?

- Because there is no engine in front, the car has a longer crumple zone, allowing it to absorb more of a front-end impact. 

- The heavy battery, running along the bottom of the car, gives it a low center of gravity, making it less susceptible to rollover. 

- The lack of a gasoline engine means it's less likely to blow up.

But there are other reasons why it's the safest car ever made, as shown by an independent report issued by a reputable testing agency we made up. The factors? 

- Because there's no carbon monoxide emissions, it will be unable to be parked in a suburban garage, run at idle and suffocate a sad-sack salesman looking to pull the R.I.P. cord. 

- Because there's no gasoline and no tank, there will be no danger of teenagers siphoning off gasoline by sucking on a rubber tube, getting gasoline on their faces and then, lighting a celebratory cigarette, comically set their faces on fire. 

- Owners will not have to stop at filling stations and risk being stabbed by a crazed hitchhiker. Also, there will be fewer occasions to buy those plasticky hot dogs in those hot dog terrariums, pile them high with fake orange cheese and processed chili, and immediately die of coronary thrombosis. 

- The Tesla S will always be parked in the front of any restaurant with valet service and thus will be unlikely to be dinged in those crowded downtown parking garages. 

- It can only be serviced by dealerships, and thus will not be taken to repair shops owned by slipshod repairmen who forget to set the brake on the hydraulic lift and are crushed under falling cars. 


- No gasoline motor means less damage to the atmosphere.

- No CO2 emissions means it will raise sea levels more slowly, flooding Miami and Bangladesh at a later date. 

The only mitigating factor is that the electric engine is likely to pull more coal out of the ground, as that is what powers the electricity plants that will charge the engine. Engineers are still working a solution to this problem. They are considering a flux capacitor to help provide the car's operating power of 1.21 gigawatts. A difficult assignment, as illustrated by one of those scientists in the short video below: 


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