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The natural world. Looking pretty for 3.5b years.

Warning Labels, and Not Just on GMO's

Why stop at GMOs? Let's label everything.

Author: Reilly Capps/Thursday, April 11, 2013/Categories: humor

By Reilly Capps

Activists want to label GMOs, the way we do cigarettes. (Even though GMOs increase harvests and haven't been shown to hurt you.)

Meanwhile, all kinds of dodgy things go unlabeled. May we humbly propose the following warning labels for common things: 

On an SUV:
Range Rover
"Gas-guzzling V-8 engine lets you bounce over fallen logs and stream beds as if they were speed bumps. But, let's face it: you will never do so. You will drive the kids to school. Congratulations on the purchase of your new minivan."

On all dogs collars: 

"This dog seems the perfect accessory for your Subaru station wagon and its NRDC and 'Save the Planet' bumper stickers. Please know that by having a dog hanging out the window, those bumper stickers have become ironic. Dogs take a lot of resources and are responsible for a lot of CO2. Plus, I just stepped in a pile of her poop. Can you put a warning label on that?"

On Facebook: 

"Welcome to Facebook! This seems cool now. You can see your old high school classmates! Later, you will hate this site, and be reminded of why you and your classmates didn't keep in touch. You will be poked for no reason." 

On your boarding pass to Costa Rica:

"Enjoy your plane ride to a beautiful eco-park. This plane ride helps destroy it." 

On the front page of The Huffington Post

"Everything that's fit to print -- in the New York Times. Then we steal it, give it a jazzier headline, and hope you won't notice. We're worth $315 million."

On a steak: 

"Enjoy! America's Beef Industry wants you to know that eating a cow is totally fine. It's nothing like eating a dog or a dolphin or a baby seal. Those animals are awesome and cute. Cows are big sacks of meat wrapped in Bruno Maglis, and they die by being tickled to death." 

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