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The natural world. Looking pretty for 3.5b years.

Animals Who Shouldn’t Use Protection; People Who Should

Author: Guest Writer/Monday, January 14, 2013/Categories: Uncategorized

By Lucas Gardner

The Center for Biological Diversity is giving away endangered species condoms.

This is a terrible idea. If there's any group that SHOULDN'T wear condoms, it's endangered animals (Go raw, amur leopards! There's only 40 of you left!).

Wait. Maybe I’m confused. [Quickly Googles it.]

Ok! The Center for Biological Diversity is giving away condoms with various endangered animals printed on the wrapper. Endangered animals, such as panthers, never wear condoms because they are slutty and irresponsible. Polar bears hate the feel.


[Photo from the Center for Biological Diversity]

There are two goals here. The first is obvious - to promote safe sex. The second is weird - to get you thinking about how sad it is that all Leatherback Sea Turtles are dying, right before you have sex.

The campaign director, Jerry Karnas, explains in a press release, “There are more than 3 billion people on the planet under the age of 25. The choices this generation makes will determine whether our planet and its wildlife and natural resource base are burdened with 8 billion or 15 billion people.” (Karnas seems to assume that no one over the age of 25 ever has sex at all.)

Basically, The Center for Biology Diversity is trying to kill two birds with one stone. I realize that's an unfortunate expression to use in this context. They're helping to reduce the under-considered problem of overpopulation by distributing free prophylactics, and raising awareness about animal endangerment. The campaign was launched in 2009, when the center began distributing the condoms in colleges and night clubs, which is a lot like handing out forks at a restaurant that everyone only goes to for the soup.

The Center estimates they have distributed more than 450,000 of the endangered species condoms, which is a higher number than the total population of most of the species on the condoms. Sad, right? Of course it is! So let's not let the problem worsen. Less humans! More Northern Sportive Lemurs!

- Comedian Lucas Gardner’s Tumblr is


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