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The natural world. Looking pretty for 3.5b years.

NASA’s Hidden Logs Reveal a Lesser-Known Rover

Author: Guest Writer/Monday, February 11, 2013/Categories: Uncategorized

By Lucas Gardner


The Curiosity Rover landed on Mars at 0:32 p.m. PDT, Aug. 5, 2012. It was one of the most outstanding victories in space exploration in human history thus far. The rover was named “Curiosity,” because, well, it says it all. It has spent the last six months searching for signs of ancient life.

What a lot of people don't know anything about is the launch of the Curiosity Rover's brother, Apathy Rover, which was sent on failed mission to Mars a few years prior to Curiosity. As it turned out, the Apathy Rover earned its name, too. This was not meant to be made public, but we've gotten our hands on NASA's official recorded timeline of the Apathy Rover's trip to Mars.

Take a look:

Jan. 1, 2006: The Rover is completed. NASA engineers ask what it would like to be named. “Who gives a shit, man?” replies the rover
Jan. 2, 2006: The Apathy Rover is named. Scientists begin correcting some issues with its mobility system
February 2006: The Apathy Rover starts a “protopunk” band; decides to just name the band Apathy Rover
April 1st, 2006: The Apathy Rover (the band) release their first single “F*ck Space”
May 2006: The Apathy Rover (the band) breaks up; band members say it's because Apathy Rover (the actual rover) “didn't care”
June 1, 2006: NASA grounds Apathy Rover for smoking; “Whatever, dude” Apathy responds
June 13, 2006: This was intended to be Apathy's official launch date; launch is postponed because Apathy wasn't “into it”
July 15, 2006: NASA finally talks Apathy Rover into going to Mars; “UGHH, JESUS CHRIST. FINE” responds Apathy Rover
July 16, 2006: Apathy Rover is launched on a direct path to Mars. Apathy Rover sends back first official report from space: “This blows!!!!”
July 29, 2006: Apathy Rover changes its path to the Moon instead; claims it looks “more chill.”
Aug. 15, 2006: Communication with Apathy Rover is lost
Aug. 20, 2006: Apathy Rover is finally located, smoking weed in a moon crater; sends back second official report: “Nice.”
Sept. 10, 2006: NASA finally convinces Apathy Rover to get back on course towards Mars. Apathy Rover takes off once again on a path to Mars, very slowly
Sept. 20 2010: Apathy Rover finally reaches Mars, over 2 years late
Sept. 16, 2010: Apathy Rover send back first report from Mars: “LAME.”
Sept. 17, 2010: Communication is lost with Apathy Rover once again (Apathy Rover actually can still receive and send messages, but just doesn't ever respond)
Oct. 1, 2010: Apathy Rover begins drilling on Mars; gets “bored;” takes a nap
Dec. 19, 2010: Apathy Rover wakes up
Jan. 14, 2011: Apathy Rover, against NASA's wishes, returns to Earth, claims there was “no good poon on Mars”
Jan. 20, 2011: Apathy Rover moves in with its parents in New Jersey

Apathy Rover is currently working as a dishwasher at a small diner in Hoboken. NASA wishes to keep Apathy Rover a secret for obvious reasons, but we think science is science and its not always perfect, and Apathy Rover shouldn't be forgotten by history.

- One of the most accurate science reporters working today, thinker and critic Lucas Gardner tweets at @Lucas_Gardner.


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